Yesterday was a pretty awesome day. Woke up and left shelter with Jason, we walked around a bit before I went to JRT and then he picked me up afterward. We went to the haberdashery (A gentleman's shop that sells awesome hats) and couldn't pick anything, we kept trying different things on for about an hour.. Then we went to pioneer mall for lunch. We ate chinese food and sat by the fountain talking about things we want to do to help give back to people, to help people in our situation get out of it when we manage to. We went to Lloyd center and he got a Nook and got me a deck of Archetype cards.. And we sat and chatted some more. If I didn't already love him, I fell in love with him yesterday. Not because of anything he did for me, money doesn't matter to me worth a damn. Because of the man he is, because of his actions, even the silent ones he doesn't know he does. He was trying so badly to impress me, it was endearing and sweet.
He's the one thing that I didn't think existed anymore. A decent man. In our society, the decent people get stepped on and beaten until they break, but he wasn't fragmented enough that I couldn't try to do anything to fix him. He's made mistakes in the past and beaten himself up for it for years.. And he doesn't even realize what a miracle he is. The fact that he's able to be what he is, do what he does, without trying or thinking or conniving. It's amazing. I love him. We just sat in a park under a tree in the rain talking about shelter, we talked about everything that matters and more. He took me to Mama Mia's and we had a candlelit dinner, and he had the same idea for the tip as me. We confused the waiter and annoyed him enough to give us 8 ones back XD
I would say he's the only person in the world I feel like I can be myself around without any shields, but I'd be lying a little. He is a great guy. A good friend, and a good man to love.. But with love comes pain. With people comes stress and betrayal. He betrayed my trust a few times while we were just friends, and I know that given time I can release the pain, I just don't know how and it breaks my heart. I feel horrible about the fact that for some reason I can't psychologically let go of great pain. I seem to thrive on it.. and I don't like it. I thrive on hugs and love and care as well, but I always am waiting for the kick in the face, the knife in the back, the ultimate betrayal to happen yet again. Even though I know he didn't do any of it on purpose. And I hate myself for not being able to just be happy.
I found out things about him last night that forever solidified him in my mind as being a good, decent man. Things that made me love him more than before.
For a first date, it was a really good day.
